gee, how long has it been since i've posted.
i hope others will even notice that my blog's been revived even. haha.
anyhow, i have been rather irritable lately. exams may be over (i do not want to discuss it fortunately for your unsuspecting and innocent eyes) but there are so many things to do for camps and cca and such. i really hope my saxophone can get fixed. i'm getting terribly miffed at the fact that the resistance is so high and i can't play properly. also, there's lots to do for organisation activites. my heart beats in a mixed rhythm of fear, aniexty, excitement and even reluctance at the thought.
i know it'll be good for me. but if prying my mind open were to be made possible, you would see that i obviously have this intense worry that i'll get scolded. and this is the time that calls for toughness. oooh, not good. i'm rather afraid that i'll make a big mistake and then i ruin everything. oohh man.
thinking so much actually makes me wish that i could escape somewhere. christmas seems so far away. i miss the festival of lights, warmth and love. the closeness that envelops you tightly in embrace. it doesn't solve the problem always, still it changes your perspective, encouraging you to press on. i get so afraid i'll afraid the real meaning of christmas one day. that Jesus came down to earth to save with his love. we always get so caught up with "what shall i buy?" or "will i have a christmas romance?" (admit it! i do that painfully often too) that we forget that. love can be such a profound thing. i wish i can understand it. we should use christmas and chinese new year as a time for reunion and loving, just as christ did. drop the silly presents. i know what i want from everyone already.
just you. complete with a kiss on my cheek and a hug. perhaps just a hug, but with all the love. i remember my mother stressing over presents for kids in the cell and my uncle lamenting that chinese new year could get rather boring and meaningless. oh stop it. they are incredibly important to me! make a difference. tell me how often you get to see your family anyway. no matter what you're tied by blood, so live surrounded by love or tread on the thin ice of silence before the tv every feburary.
having that lot said, i suddenly wish oh so dearly to run off to england or japan. to be wrapped up in cuddly coats as the colourful street lights decorate the shops, huddle with loved ones in the warm glow of someone's house enjoying hot chocolate. no pretending or obligation to be entertaining, but to just spit out whatever's on your mind. the guitar hums softly in the background as someone strums gently while we share testimonies of grace and love we have been given, singing carols and giving thanks of the birth of the Lord.
for those who are lazy to read the whole chunk the main gist is that i want the real sense of community in christ back. and other things as well, but then it won't be called the main gist anymore. He has been incredibly merciful in helping me with my exams, but somehow i still don't feel like those who scream His name on the streets or have christian bumper stickers, even with that holy msn nick. don't get me wrong. there is no tone of sacarsm, only one of overwhelming admiration. perhaps even envy. this is so wrong. there's something wrong with me i tell you.
alright i know you must be getting incredibly impaitent as you are simply itching to know what other blogs would post about more normal life events like cedar's open house.great apologies but i have a tendency to speak of my heart, not of my actions. one reason being that my actions are simply too embarassing and absurd to believe that someone of my age still makes such blunders, but more of the reason that i like being more emotionally inclined in my posts.
you can call it emo.perhaps. i do think about death rather often, even though i dream of sugar coated utopias constantly. but if your heart grows weary in strange situations of life, stuble in here. we share the same difficulty, but we'll get out of it. truly.
merry christmas(:
